helloaish

Wala yata akong pangarap sa buhay

“Why am I not hustling like the others? Why am I not working multiple jobs, setting up multiple investments, or owning multiple businesses? Wala ba akong pangarap sa buhay kaya pachill-chill lang ako?”

My thoughts were constantly along these lines and I would always think that something is wrong with me because everyone around me is achieving something whilst I’m just… here.

But it wasn’t always like that.

Back then, I would take pride in doing multiple things. Calling myself a renaissance woman, a multi-hyphenated person, or a girl boss.

I would feel high and validated whenever my days are so full of errands you actually have to book me weeks ahead just to see me. I feel important and fulfilled when I’m too busy to stay in one place. I never say rest is for the weak, but I was obviously living by it.

What changed?

I guess what changed is I saw what’s happening:
I kept chasing dreams that aren’t mine.
I kept chasing wealth that I don’t need.
I kept chasing a lifestyle that isn’t true to me.
I was living someone else’s life.
And I was suffering.

I was stressed but I loved being stressed because for me it meant I’m doing something with my life. I justified my stress because I thought—lahat naman tayo stressed diba?

Kaso nakakapagod. I kept trying different things. Like finding a drug that would work for my condition. A shoe that would finally fit.

Wala.

Everything I tried felt fake. Nothing seems to work. I felt more and more lost.

So I decided: Yoko na.

Di umubra yung pagiging busy? Di umubra may pera? Di umubra pagiging successful? Edi sige. Tapon na natin yan lahat.

I started doing things for myself; for my sanity; for my happiness.

I deliberately fled from anything that triggers my feelings of anxiety and depression.
I focused on peace. I focused on living.

And in that journey, I found contentment.

Ang dami kong na-realise na pwede naman pala.

Pwede naman palang di naka-kotse.
Pwede naman palang di palaging magaling.
Pwede naman palang di puro trabaho.

Pwede naman palang magdahan-dahan at mag-enjoy.
Pwede naman palang di makipaghabulan sa buhay.

Sino nga ba kasi humahabol sayo?

I was able to look into my life and see what things are truly important. And they weren’t things. It wasn’t status. It wasn’t being the best.

Natuto akong makuntento.

Natuto ako na simple living is enough.

I learnt that it’s more important that I’m healthy and happy now.

I learnt to live in the present.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

I kept working towards a good future without realising I was beating myself up today and ruining my future in the process.

Di masamang mangarap. Pero itanong mo muna sa sarili mo kung pangarap mo ba talaga yan. Kasi baka you are too conditioned that you can no longer separate your thoughts from the expectations of others.

It is the blessing of the LORD that makes rich, And He adds no sorrow to it.

Proverbs 10:22

So let’s go back to the question: “Why am I not hustling like the others? Why am I not working multiple jobs, setting up multiple investments, or owning multiple businesses? Wala ba akong pangarap sa buhay kaya pachill-chill lang ako?”

I do have a dream.

I dream to be a person after God’s heart.

I dream to touch lives and help others.

I dream to be someone na una mong maiisip whenever you need someone to listen and not judge.

My dreams go far beyond a title or a pay grade.

And I am content with it.

Share
Tweet

6 thoughts on “Wala yata akong pangarap sa buhay

  1. I have this thought this na “ano nga ba hinahabol natin sa Buhay? “Para saan nga ba ako?” like yours, up unto till now hindi ko pa nasasagot mga tanong ko sa Buhay like “para saan nga ba ako nabubuhay?” “nabubuhay lang ba ako para mag aral tapos pag naging success magkaroon ng magagarang bagay?”, Thanks for your story on how every one of us struggle like this I may not be able to find the answer pa sa ngayon pero medyo nagiging malinaw na, okay lang pala ang Mabagal at dahan dahan :’>

  2. I’m reading your piece at 3:57am in the morning with my allergies on , AND IT’S WORTH IT!

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been a victim of “chasing somebody else’s dreams” too. It was so hard trying to fit all those flashy stuff in your system EH HINDI NGA🤦🏻‍♀️ Medyo people-pleaser tayo kaya sobrang hirap kumalas dun sa sistema na need ko ng affirmation from certain people.

    Until one day I just stepped back and see things from afar. Prayed hard na i guide ako san ba talaga ako dapat. And with His Grace, it came clear to me kung ano ang totoo kong priority, my NON-NEGOTIABLES.

    And it’s not money.

    Well money is and instrument para ma fulfill ko din part ng life purpose ko. But it’s more than that.

    PEACE IS A PRIORITY
    FAMILY IS A PRIORITY
    HEALTH IS A PRIORITY
    RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRIORITY
    SERVICE IS PRIORITY

    and I couldn’t imagine the days if I never decided to STEP BACK. So yes, chill pero may patutunguhan
    Chill, pero may kabuluhan.🤎

    Sending hugs!
    -preshoes

  3. And here I am thinking ako lang ba? I am happy like really genuinely happy but I am not as busy as my previous colleagues and I thought something is wrong with me because I’m contented. My friend can hustle 3 jobs whilst taking care of her toddler just the same age as mine why am I only woking on 1 part time? Ginagawa ko bang excuse yung baby ko todo more? Naisip ko tamad ba ako?? Reading this made me realize that I just have a totally different priority. And life does not stop with what you have financially. And hell it’s nice to have money. But it’s much nicer to be at peace. I read your articles over and over and over and even shared it in my feed.

  4. Sometimes I have the same sentiments especially when it comes to achieving more in what I do. Minsan I get carried away with the thought na hindi dapat ako mahabol or that i need to be better. But I often feel conflicted because I’m not even sure if that’s what I want in life. A part of me wants to achieve more but a part of me just wants to be at peace. Hopefully someday I find myself in the same place where you are, at peace and fully content with just being.

  5. after reading this, feeling ko answered na ang prayer ko 😊😊😊…thanks for this and will difinitely share this to my friends

  6. Reading your piece at 2:10am and it feels liberating how my thoughts were exactly well-put into words through this blog post. I found a karamay in you. Thank you so much for sharing the light to all.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *