“Why am I not hustling like the others? Why am I not working multiple jobs, setting up multiple investments, or owning multiple businesses? Wala ba akong pangarap sa buhay kaya pachill-chill lang ako?”
My thoughts were constantly along these lines and I would always think that something is wrong with me because everyone around me is achieving something whilst I’m just… here.
But it wasn’t always like that.
Back then, I would take pride in doing multiple things. Calling myself a renaissance woman, a multi-hyphenated person, or a girl boss.
I would feel high and validated whenever my days are so full of errands you actually have to book me weeks ahead just to see me. I feel important and fulfilled when I’m too busy to stay in one place. I never say rest is for the weak, but I was obviously living by it.
I guess what changed is I saw what’s happening:
I kept chasing dreams that aren’t mine.
I kept chasing wealth that I don’t need.
I kept chasing a lifestyle that isn’t true to me.
I was living someone else’s life.
And I was suffering.
I was stressed but I loved being stressed because for me it meant I’m doing something with my life. I justified my stress because I thought—lahat naman tayo stressed diba?
Kaso nakakapagod. I kept trying different things. Like finding a drug that would work for my condition. A shoe that would finally fit.
Everything I tried felt fake. Nothing seems to work. I felt more and more lost.
So I decided: Yoko na.
Di umubra yung pagiging busy? Di umubra may pera? Di umubra pagiging successful? Edi sige. Tapon na natin yan lahat.
I started doing things for myself; for my sanity; for my happiness.
I deliberately fled from anything that triggers my feelings of anxiety and depression.
I focused on peace. I focused on living.
And in that journey, I found contentment.
Ang dami kong na-realise na pwede naman pala.
Pwede naman palang di naka-kotse.
Pwede naman palang di palaging magaling.
Pwede naman palang di puro trabaho.
Pwede naman palang magdahan-dahan at mag-enjoy.
Pwede naman palang di makipaghabulan sa buhay.
Sino nga ba kasi humahabol sayo?
I was able to look into my life and see what things are truly important. And they weren’t things. It wasn’t status. It wasn’t being the best.
Natuto akong makuntento.
Natuto ako na simple living is enough.
I learnt that it’s more important that I’m healthy and happy now.
I learnt to live in the present.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.Matthew 6:34
I kept working towards a good future without realising I was beating myself up today and ruining my future in the process.
Di masamang mangarap. Pero itanong mo muna sa sarili mo kung pangarap mo ba talaga yan. Kasi baka you are too conditioned that you can no longer separate your thoughts from the expectations of others.
It is the blessing of the LORD that makes rich, And He adds no sorrow to it.Proverbs 10:22
So let’s go back to the question: “Why am I not hustling like the others? Why am I not working multiple jobs, setting up multiple investments, or owning multiple businesses? Wala ba akong pangarap sa buhay kaya pachill-chill lang ako?”
I do have a dream.
I dream to be a person after God’s heart.
I dream to touch lives and help others.
I dream to be someone na una mong maiisip whenever you need someone to listen and not judge.
My dreams go far beyond a title or a pay grade.
And I am content with it.