to know and love me more

I still get anxious but I’m learning to work around that.

Every Saturday night I’d be frustrated to be facing yet another work week. Not because I have a pile of work to do but because I don’t. It frustrates me to not have anything to channel my energy into. And I think I figured out one way to at least relieve the stress of it. By night I will try to write down some things to accomplish the next day. As simple as making my bed, taking a shower, getting breakfast, sending out emails, cooking, running, stretching — just mundane things I could think about. Since I’ve also read something about coping with anxiety that includes having a list or routine.

Well, a list helps. But being a spontaneous person I know I won’t be able to stick to it all the time. And believe me, I loathe routine. I strongly dislike it. I get easily bored of lots of things.

So, whenever I find myself lost I would ask myself: “what do you want to do?” “what would make you happy?” “is there anything you want to eat?”. And then I would eventually drop whatever I’m doing and proceed with the answer.

Someone told me I have my own world — that I do whatever I want to do. I think that is only happening now because a few years ago I am only a machine receiving 1’s and 0’s. But you know what? I like that about me. No, actually, I love that about me. To know what I want and chase that.

I was flipping pages from one of my notebooks and found the page where I wrote down my faith goals during prayer and fasting. I don’t usually ask specific or material things during prayer and fasting and my constant personal faith goals would always be general things like healing and restoration, career path, and spiritual growth. However, one line caught my eye while skimming through the list —know & love myself more — that’s what I asked for. To know and love me more. And true enough this year has been the year I am most honest with myself where I have acknowledged my flaws and weaknesses, accepted them and learned to be kinder to myself.

I’ve learned to constantly check for myself if I am happy where I am. I think this roots from those few years I mentioned where I was too focused on pleasing people in my life. Trying to do what I feel would be right in their opinions; trying to compensate for pasts mistakes; trying to give all the love I have; just trying to be Little Miss Nicey-nicey — and then there’s betrayal. I think I’ve exhausted myself to the point where I can no longer draw any love from my well. I forgot to keep some for myself to come back to.

Essentially that is the time where my hunger was at its peak and I know only God can fill that void.

Looking at myself now, I can say I am satisfied.

I am happy.

I have come to terms with the harsh reality of the world.

I acknowledged I am a work in progress.

I have learned how to genuinely love myself.

If there is a song lyric that would best describe the process, it would be:

I found my life when I laid it down.
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground.

Because at my lowest, darkest, most depressed — there I found God.There I have felt the love I need and deserve.There I have found the one who truly knows me.