I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars up on heaven’s boulevard

This song has been stuck in my head for days, right after I got over Adele’s Easy On Me.

I want to do a lot of things. I want to workout. I want to finish the books I’m reading. I want to write. I want to create more content.

It sounds ambitious to me. Knowing I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do at work and at home. I’m not even cleaning the house or doing the laundry anymore. My husband does them. I only cook, fold the laundry, order groceries online and handle the money (by this I mean knowing which accounts to keep the budget in and make sure we have enough cash incase we need it).

I guess I’ve always been ambitious. I’ve always wanted to try and do many things.

But most of the time I doubt myself without even starting.

I never thought I’d be able to land a freelance job. I’ve daydreamed of being able to work anywhere but I didn’t believe it back then. I didn’t think it will be a reality meant for me.

Perhaps I used to set myself up for failure. Or perhaps I just condition myself for failure so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Either way is not a good practice.

Followed your ashes into outer space
I can’t look out the window

I can’t look at this place

Today is a Monday. And I promised myself I’ll exercise proper boundaries at work. My current schedule is four hours for client support tasks, and four hours for executive assistance tasks. Most of the time I compromise my EA time for support tasks just because I can’t stand looking at my long list waiting for the next day to be crossed off because it’s allotted hours is finished.

I’m incredibly grateful for this job. I can’t emphasise how this lifestyle feels like a dream to me.

The trust that they have given to me makes me ecstatic and mad at the same time.

Ecstatic because of the new things it entails, including an increased pay and more visibility.

Mad because I think back to my old jobs and know I have the potential to be entrusted with better opportunities but they kept me in a low level, unable to move forward.

Maybe I’m also just lucky.

I used to roll my eyes on small companies, especially startups. Because being part of a startup company means you have to juggle many things at once. Whilst being in big corporate, you only get a specific role.

I guess the difference now is how the people above me do not treat me as an employee, rather, a teammate, a partner, an essential part of the company and not just someone who does work on queue or someone you can drag around.

I guess it’s how they treat me as a person that enabled me to bring my best to the table.

I lit a fire with the love
you left behind
It burned wild and
crept up the mountainside


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